How You Remind Me
by Lothiriel84
Summary: This is how you remind me, of what I really am. - A Mentalist/Castle crossover. Set after Red John's Rules. Written for The Mentalist Big Bang at mentalist bb. A huge thank you to my artist skylar0grace and to my beta MerriWyllow, who also helped me develop the plot. Cover image courtesy of skylar0grace.
1. Chapter 1

_Eileen Turner is the first of many. I'm going to start killing again, often. Until you catch me, or I catch you._

That was the message Red John had sent through Lorelei, and he was true to his word. It was but a week later that they were standing in the main bedroom of a luxurious house in Malibu, staring at the lifeless body of a beautiful woman lying under a smiling face painted in her own blood.

After what had happened with Leelee Barlow, Jane couldn't help wondering what the connection might be this time around. He took a moment to study the features of the deceased; she looked younger than her age and had a magnificent head of red hair, but apart from that he had no major revelation as to what her identity might be.

"Her name's Meredith Castle," Lisbon murmured as if to fill in the gap. "She was an actress, some sort of B-list celebrity. Her family lives in New York; her ex-husband had sole custody of their daughter, until she came of age about a year ago."

Jane frowned. "Castle. I've heard that name before."

"The ex-husband is Richard Castle, the writer. He's pretty famous, I gather."

"Hm," he said noncommittally. His mind was furiously trying to find a reason why there should be a link between him and that woman; perhaps there was none, Red John could have picked his latest victim at random after all. However, there was still the location to keep into account; this place wasn't too far from his former family residence, and that might be enough for the serial killer.

Still he struggled to fight back the sense of foreboding that had settled in his chest; it had taken them some time to work out the truth about Eileen Turner, there was every chance that something of the kind could happen once more. A vague memory stirred in his brain, but it was too blurred for him to recognize it, so he simply let out a sigh and made for the door.

"We have to catch him, Lisbon. It will never be soon enough."

"I know, Jane. Believe me, I know."

He'd come to the point that he could barely bear the thought of another family being devastated courtesy of the serial killer; in a way it was like he was forced to relieve the death of his own family over and over again, and he had a shrinking suspicion that was exactly what Red John wanted.

Not a word was uttered during the long drive back to Sacramento. As soon as they set foot in the CBI headquarters, Jane commandeered the case file and spent the rest of the day studying every detail about it. He was all too aware of the worried glances that Lisbon kept sending his way, but he just couldn't help it; Red John had to be stopped, and they had better do it before he decided to raise the stakes and hit closer to home.

It was only upon re-reading the victim's file that he eventually had a major revelation; he stared aghast at the name printed on that paper, feeling as if all the air was being sucked from his lungs. Abruptly he got to his feet and fled upstairs to the relative privacy of his attic. He needed time to think things over, though he had a distinct feeling that he wasn't going to get much of it.

xxx

"I know you're in there. Open the damn door, or I'm going to break it down."

Of course Lisbon was going to check on him, especially given the last turn of events. In the end he thought it better to do as asked, so that she wouldn't end up hurting herself in her attempt to break in.

"What happened? Did Rigsby steal one of your sandwiches?"

She all but rolled her eyes in annoyance. "Don't even try to play dumb with me. There has to be a reason why you suddenly vacated the bullpen, and I demand that you tell me. Right now."

"Are you sure you want to know?" he asked in a soft voice, and immediately caught a flash of worry across her features. She'd always had a gift for understanding him better than any other human being ever could, it was of little consequence attempting to hide how upset he actually was.

"Fire away. We're in this together, you know it well enough."

Instinctively he started fiddling with his wedding band; it took him a moment before he was finally able to look her in the eyes. "The victim's maiden name was Lee Harper. I've known a Lee Harper before; he was the man my mother ran away with, when I was three."

"So you think…"

"That Meredith might be my half-sister, yes."

Silence fell between them, until Lisbon eventually rested her hand on his shoulder. "I'm sorry, Jane."

He shook his head, struggling to keep his voice steady. "I didn't even know I had a sister; while I've always suspected that my mother had probably started a new family somewhere, I just couldn't bring myself to look for her. Now she's gone, and my sister is dead because of me."

"You can't be sure. It could still be a coincidence."

He bowed his head in defeat. "I've never believed in coincidences; and I'm pretty sure Red John doesn't either."

His friend stood there as if trying to find the right words, but in the end she simply gave up. "We'll find him, I promise."

"I know. Thank you, Lisbon."

When her footsteps finally faded in the distance he laid back on his makeshift coat and stared into the gathering darkness. First a happy memory, and now a relative he had never known of; Red John was acting fast, and he had a very precise idea as to who was the target he was working towards.

It was no secret that Teresa Lisbon was precious to him, and the only one who kept him alive these days; the serial killer had been able to put two and two together a long time ago, and was now reserving her as the last blow that would destroy his enemy once and for all.

In the meanwhile, he would have to face another grieving family very soon; and he surely was far from ready to tell them that he'd been the reason for the untimely death of their beloved one.


	2. Chapter 2

He paused in front of Lisbon's office, taking a deep breath before forcing himself to walk in. After all those years facing the victims' grieving relatives was still the hardest part for him; he couldn't forget the time he'd been there himself, and he was only too aware of the fact that the feeling of loss would never actually subside.

Lisbon was in the middle of offering her condolences to a redhead that was unmistakably the daughter of the late Meredith Castle; the girl had red circles around her eyes as if she'd been crying, but looked remarkably composed considering her young age. Beside her sat a handsome man, who was probably her father and the victim's former husband; Jane could tell that the untimely death of his ex-wife had sincerely upset him, whatever was the reason for the divorce he was still fond of her somehow.

"This is Patrick Jane, my consultant," Lisbon said by way of an introduction. "Richard Castle, and his daughter Alexis."

"I'm sorry for your loss," he murmured, struggling to ignore the lump that had suddenly settled at the back of his throat. He'd just realized that this girl was actually his niece, and she was about the same age Charlotte would be if she were still alive.

"You're going to find whoever did this, right?" Alexis couldn't help but ask, and he had to fight back the tears that were burning at the corner of his eyes.

"I will, I promise. Red John killed my wife and child; I'll make sure that he pays for what he's done."

A frown creased Mr. Castle's brow, and for a moment he looked as if he was somehow familiar to the drive for revenge that underlay his words. However, he quickly turned his attention to his daughter again, as would be natural for any father.

"Thank you, Mr. Jane – and you, Agent Lisbon. I'd better take Alexis back to the hotel now; we'll talk again later, if that suits you."

Once the door clicked shut behind them, Jane sank into the nearest empty chair. "You didn't tell them, did you?"

"What are you talking about?"

"The reason why Meredith was killed."

Lisbon was silent for a moment, then promptly shook her head. "Why should I tell them? It's just one of your hunches, and it wouldn't change anything anyway. Red John has taken many random victims in the past; that didn't make that much difference for anyone involved."

"It's not just a hunch, and you know it. But you're right, there's no need to add to the burden of grief that has been thrust upon their shoulders. Though it might still make them feel better if they had someone to blame for what happened."

That was when she stood up and walked around the desk to look him in the eyes. "Wallowing in guilt won't help us catch Red John. You're not responsible for a serial killer's actions, remember that."

"As you wish," he murmured under his breath, though he was sure Lisbon knew better than to take his words at their face value. Guilt had been a constant in his life for almost a decade now, it wouldn't be easy for him to let it go; especially since he truly considered himself as the man responsible for the tragedy that had befallen his family, and all the other deaths that had followed.

If it weren't for him, then maybe Red John would have grown tired of taking lives; and for sure he wouldn't be targeting people that were related to him one way or another. He felt so tired of it all that the option of taking himself out of the equation flashed once more through his mind; however, he was too much of a coward to take his own life, and he couldn't be sure that the serial killer would stop going after his loved ones if he did.

In the end he decided to forgo a much needed cup of tea, and opted for brooding in his attic hideout instead. There he would stay, until Lisbon summoned him for whatever reason inherent to the case.

xxx

Richard Castle wasn't alone when he showed up once more. A quick glance was enough for Jane to tell that the woman who was now sitting beside him was his girlfriend, or even more likely his fiancée; there was something about her that reminded him of Lisbon's strength and leadership skills, and that was what prompted him to open his mouth at last.

"May I ask you, Ms. Beckett – are you with the law enforcement as well?"

The woman exchanged an odd look with her partner. "That is correct. I am in fact a detective with New York PD. If there's any way I can help you, you only have to name it."

"Thanks for your offer, we appreciate it," Lisbon replied tightly, as if to reaffirm her authority there. Kate Beckett was quick enough to take the hint, and wisely refrained from any further comment.

"Mr. Castle, how close you were to your ex-wife?" Jane asked abruptly, unobtrusively gauging the reaction of their two interlocutors; however, neither of them seemed in the least upset by his question.

"We were still on friendly terms," Richard Castle said, as the faintest hint of blush touched his cheeks. "We used to meet from time to time, but she's been staying mostly in California of late. The last time she showed up in New York was when Alexis was ill, and that was a few months ago."

Jane pretended to ignore the glare that Lisbon sent his way, and yet he let the matter drop all the same; this was clearly a Red John case, digging in the past indiscretions of the victim's life was of no avail. However, that told something about the personality of the deceased; as likely as not Meredith had inherited their mother's free-spirited attitude, and even though his memories of her were vague at best he still remembered that trait of hers.

He was silent for the rest of the conversation, contenting himself to let Lisbon lead the game. She'd always been good at it, and he was actually proud of how much she'd learned from him along the years; his stubborn, little, wonderful Lisbon.

If only there wasn't Red John hanging like a sword of Damocles above their heads, then he would make sure she knew just how much she meant to him.


	3. Chapter 3

The team had done a very thorough job in searching Meredith Castle's background, and in the end they were able to prove that Jane's hunch was correct. Mrs. Lee Harper, the victim's late mother, turned out to be no one else than Alison Jane; she'd died some nine years before, about the time of the murder of the granddaughter and daughter-in-law she never got to know.

That was the reason why Jane couldn't help but attend his sister's funeral. Lisbon was there at his side, and that was a small comfort to him; however, the sight of the family gathered around the grave only brought back those painful memories that were permanently engraved in his mind.

He'd been there before with Angela and Charlotte; his beautiful angels were now sleeping under green grass, while he still tarried there in his vain quest for vengeance. His rash words had got them killed, and now another innocent person had died because of the sick game he was playing with the serial killer; it was no wonder that guilt was eating him up from the inside, destroying whatever semblance of humanity that was left to him.

Beckett was standing right beside Castle, her arm wrapped around his shoulders; while Alexis was sobbing against the shoulder of a woman that Jane supposed to be her grandmother. He knew that Castle's mother was an actress exactly like Meredith, and the theatrical emphasis to her gestures only supported that theory.

Meredith had once expressed the desire to be buried there in Malibu, and the family had decided to respect her wish. Jane for one had never really cared about such things; his family wasn't really where indicated by their names carved on the tombstones, though he'd just been unable to let go of them when he'd moved to Sacramento. They weren't there anymore, and yet he couldn't help wandering off to that very place once the funeral was over.

He was vaguely aware of Lisbon following him, though at some distance; but he couldn't turn to her now, he didn't deserve it. After staring into emptiness for what seemed an eternity, he slowly turned around and headed back to the car.

"You alright?" Lisbon asked tentatively as she drove them home.

His eyes were lost outside the window when he finally spoke. "I don't really like funerals."

"You were under no obligation to attend."

"I know. It's just – I had to. She was my sister after all."

He could tell that Lisbon felt the urge to rest her hand on his own, offer him some silent comfort; however, she wasn't completely sure of what his reaction would be, and he grimly told himself that it was better that way. At least he was giving her a sporting chance not to lose her life to the serial killer; he wasn't allowed to show her how much her cared, how much he needed her to keep going.

"Were you there – at the funeral of your wife and child, I mean?"

A spasm of anguish passed over his features, and yet he somehow felt grateful that she was giving him the chance to share his burden with an understanding friend. "I was," he muttered at last. "It was in fact the last thing I remember, right before…"

He trailed off, but had no doubt that Lisbon could easily guess what had happened next; after all, she already knew he'd had a nervous breakdown, and ended up in Sophie Miller's care.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked," she hastened to apologize, but he shook his head.

"It's okay," he assured her, then relapsed into silence. He wasn't sure how many victims his conscience would be able to bear, before he ended up losing it once again.

xxx

It was the following day that Kate Beckett went back to the CBI; Jane marveled upon seeing her again, even more so when she asked to talk to him alone.

"What is it about?" he prompted as they were sitting at a table of the nearby café. "Is there anything you think has been overlooked about this case?"

"It's not just about the case. I read about your wife and child, and I can tell when someone is after revenge."

"So what? Are you going to arrest me, detective?"

Beckett shook her head. "I went after revenge myself. My mother was killed when I was young, and that was precisely the reason why I joined the police."

He leaned forward and looked her straight in the eyes. "Why did you change your mind then?"

"Revenge is a harsh mistress, Mr. Jane. I very nearly lost my life to it, and the love of the people I cared about as well. The bastard might be still alive, but so am I; it has to be enough."

"For now," he added, as if filling in the gap.

The detective shrugged her shoulders. "If you want to put it that way."

"Are you and Castle engaged to be married?"

A wry smirk tugged at her lips. "Are you sure you're not Rick's long-lost brother? You're just about as nosy as he is – and I think he shares some of your uncanny power of perception."

"I don't think so," he replied at length, and the slightest hesitation in his voice wasn't lost on his interlocutor. However, she wisely refrained from confronting him about it.

"You are a smart man. I'm sure that deep down you know the game isn't worth it."

"That's where you're wrong," he shot back. "My family is dead, I've nothing to lose anymore."

The look in her eyes clearly told him that she knew exactly what she was talking about, and the thought only made him feel uneasy. There was actually something – someone – he still had to lose, and that was the woman that meant the world to him now.

Even if he decided to give up on his chase for the murderer of his family, that didn't meant Red John would give up his little game of cat and mouse in turn. Wherever he looked, there was no way he could escape; his only chance was getting to the serial killer before the serial killer got to him – and ever worse to those he cared about most. Teresa Lisbon wasn't the only one, there were also his other friends and colleagues to take into account.

"Think about it, Mr. Jane," that was what Beckett told him before she left.

He stared at his half-empty teacup for a good five minutes, then gulped down the dregs of the lukewarm beverage. Detective Beckett might have a chance to get her happy ending, and he wished that she actually did; however, he knew well enough that the same wasn't going to happen for him, no matter how much he wanted it.


	4. Chapter 4

When it was clear that they weren't any closer to a breakthrough in the Red John case, Richard Castle announced that he and his family would go back to New York. Lisbon assured they would inform him of any development, but Jane had a feeling that the writer already knew that as likely as not there wouldn't be any for quite a long time.

It was at moments like this that he came to doubt he would ever manage to outsmart the serial killer; Red John was always ten steps ahead of him, and there was no reason to think that was going to change anytime soon. Close on ten years had got behind and yet, they were right where they had started; the elusive serial killer was probably laughing at their clumsy attempts to bring him down.

Jane only raised a questioning eyebrow when Castle asked to have a word with him in private. "I hope you're not here to plead your fiancée's cause."

"That means Kate has already talked to you. I wasn't really sure of that."

"Yes, she has. Don't waste your time on a lost cause, Mr. Castle. You'd better look after your family instead. I think that Lisbon has told you about the connection between me and Meredith; you'd better take Alexis as far from here as you can, before something bad happens to her as well."

"You know, you remind me of myself somehow. My mother has heard about you, you were a sort of celebrity once; you had everything you could wish for, then it has been taken away from you."

"So what?" Jane shot back quite bluntly, a bit annoyed at the fact that for once he wasn't the one pulling tricks on his interlocutor.

"I liked Meredith, and it saddens me to know that she's dead; however, that is nothing if compared to the loss of a child. If I were in your shoes, if I lost Alexis – then I would probably be after revenge myself. Though I expect that her ghost would haunt me until my dying day, if I ever did anything that stupid; she's very mature, as you may have noticed."

"I have," he murmured wistfully; he would give anything in the world to get to know the young woman Charlotte could have developed into had she been given the chance.

Castle lowered his voice, his eyes deadly serious now. "I was the one who prompted Kate to investigate her mother's murder again, but in the end it turned out to be one of the biggest mistakes I've ever made. She became so engrossed in her quest for revenge that I almost lost her, and I couldn't permit it."

"Well, it seems that she's given it up for your sake. You should be proud of this."

"Look, you may have guessed how things stand between me and Kate, but I can do the same about you and your beautiful boss. You care for her, and she cares for you; you should think better than to waste your life in bitterness, and break her heart as a consequence."

"I'm not sure why this should be any of your business," Jane shot back coldly. "Anyway, Lisbon and I are just good friends – that's all."

"Give me more credit. I'm a writer, I know a thing or two about human nature."

"I still can't see your point."

Richard Castle eventually took a seat on a nearby bench, and invited Jane to do as much.

"What I mean is – you're putting your happiness on hold for a future that may never come. The truth is that we should make the best of the time that is given to us, for we have no way to know how long it's going to last. You know, when Kate was shot the only thing I could think about was that I would never get the chance to tell her I loved her, and that was something I would have regretted to my dying day."

He paused, but only for a moment. "Kate told me that was exactly the same thought that crossed her mind as she was dangling from the rooftop of a building. The point is, you can't discern what fate may have in store; now is the time to start living. Together, you and your friend have a sporting chance to win; nobody is better off alone, as you should know by now."

'Unless you have a serial killer breathing down your neck,' Jane was about to argue, but in the end he just stayed silent. The other man had a point there, both he and Lisbon could end up dead regardless of how careful he was in keeping her at arm's length; he wasn't sure he had the right to deny her the chance to be happy, no matter how long it was going to last.

Deep down he knew that his feelings for Lisbon were entirely mutual, had been for years now; however, she still had a target painted on her back because of him, and he couldn't bring himself to put her in further danger for a few stolen moments that they could later regret.

"Meredith was a bit of a scatterbrain sometimes," Castle added after a silence, "and yet she always lived her life to the fullest. I'm sure she would have no regrets now."

As much as he hated the habit of fiddling with his wedding ring, there were moments when he couldn't help but do it. Angela and Charlotte had never got that chance, and it was all his fault.

"Regrets are my life, Mr. Castle. I'm well used to them by now."

With that he stood up and made to leave. He'd only taken a couple of steps when the other called after him.

"Alexis wants to say goodbye before we leave. I think it's important to her."

Jane spun around, struggling to hide his guilt behind his best poker face. "I can't see why she would want to do that."

"She probably wants to thank you, or something. Would you be so kind to come and see her?"

His first impulse was to just say no, but the word died on his lips. Since he was responsible for the death of the girl's mother, he should at least do whatever was in his power to help her feel better; no matter how much it was going to cost him.

"All right. I'll come."

The writer offered him a grateful smile, then hastened to stop a cab. Jane let out a weary sigh and resigned himself to follow him.


	5. Chapter 5

He was now sitting across from Alexis Castle at a small table in the hotel's lounge, fidgeting with a chocolate fudge sundae she'd insisted on ordering for him.

"Chocolate always makes me feel better," the girl announced as she tackled her own. "And you look like you could use some comfort as well."

Jane tried a smile, but he was sure that his attempt had quite failed when he caught a look of understanding in the girl's eyes. Then he cleared his throat, and forced himself to swallow a mouthful of ice cream.

"My daughter, she would have been about the same age as you had she lived," he let out in a cracked whisper, and it took him all his willpower to fight back the tears that were clogging at the back of his throat.

"She wouldn't have wanted you to blame yourself over her death, you know."

He shook his head. "You don't understand. I was foolish enough to anger a madman into killing her, and her mother too. I might as well have killed them with my own hands."

"It was Red John who did it, not you," Alexis countered stubbornly, just like Lisbon had done about a million times.

"They would still be alive but for me," he said again, and all of a sudden he knew he had to tell her the truth. Meredith's daughter had the right to know.

"I'm the reason why your mother was killed. She too would be still alive if it weren't for me."

The girl stared back at him as if he'd suddenly gone crazy. "What are you talking about?"

"Did you ever meet your grandmother?"

"You mean grandma Alison? She died when I was ten, but I still remember her. Why?"

He ran his finger along the edge of his bowl. "Alison was my mother, though the last time I saw her I was but three years old."

Alexis furrowed her brow, as if she still had trouble understanding. "That means you're my – uncle?"

"I guess so."

"What has it to do with Red John anyway?"

Jane shook his head helplessly. "I didn't even know I had a sister, until Red John killed her in order to make me suffer. That's what he does, he always takes pleasure in turning my life into a living hell."

The sound of the spoon clinking against the polished surface of the table startled him out of his wallowing. The girl was staring at him with a determined look in her eyes, and he couldn't help but dread what was going to come next.

However, her words were nothing like he was expecting.

"It wasn't your fault," Alexis said with conviction. "It's no use shouldering the blame for what happened to our loved ones; you can't bring them back, no matter how hard you try."

That was when she reached for his hand across the table, and he visibly flinched at the touch.

"I loved my Mom, and I'm devastated that she's dead; but I knew her well, and she wouldn't have wanted me to live in the past. 'Move on, sweetheart. Be happy,' that's what she would have said; that's what your wife and daughter would tell you if they had the chance, that's the only thing they would really want from you."

"You can't know what they would have wanted," he countered stubbornly. "They're dead and gone."

"Deep in your heart you know that it's true. I for one wouldn't want my Dad to waste his life if something happened to me."

A tear finally sprang from his eye and silently trickled down his cheek. "I would have loved you to meet my daughter. Charlotte was an amazing girl, just like you."

"You'll have to tell me more about my cousin someday," she said softly, then leaned forward to wipe away his tear with her thumb.

When he walked her back to her room she offered him a warm smile and threw her arms around his neck. "Be well, Uncle. I look forward to receiving a postcard from you next Christmas."

He placed a quick peck on her brow, then hastily walked away. For a moment he wondered if he was going to discuss Christmas presents for their respective nieces with Lisbon, and the thought almost brought a smile to his lips.

xxx

That night he lay awake on his bed in his motel room, thinking about everything that had happened in the last few days. It was a small relief that Alexis lived at the other end of the country; that meant it was less likely for Red John to reach out for her, and yet he couldn't help worrying about her all the same. Perhaps he should contact Mr. Castle again, make sure that he took the necessary precautions against the danger that was threatening his daughter; though he had a feeling that Red John would aim higher the next time around, and he'd better look over his friends instead.

It felt oddly unreal that nearly all the people involved in the recent tragedy had felt the need to give him their advice over his choices in life. He doubted that any of them could truly understand his drive for revenge; Beckett had lost her mother, that was true, but it had never been her fault in the first place. However, he couldn't help but think that there might be a grain of wisdom to their words; losing Lisbon over his revenge was a dilemma he had never been willingly to face, and yet he might have to soon enough.

Perhaps Alexis was right; he wasn't really doing it for his late family, but rather as a way to redeem himself from his sins. He'd always felt like he owed it to them, and yet as likely as not it was just his guilt talking all the time; that didn't change the fact that there was much more at stake now, and he had an even more pressing reason for wanting the serial killer dead.

Lisbon would never be safe otherwise.

Still he could trust her to help him with this; together they might be able to face the danger that was looming upon them, and eventually bring down the man they'd been chasing for so long.

It was barely the crack of dawn when he found himself in front of Lisbon's apartment; he debated briefly whether he should let her sleep some more, but in the end he just couldn't wait. Richard Castle had a point; no one ever knew how much time was given to them, and that only meant they should know better than to put off the things that were really important in life.

When Lisbon finally appeared at the door in her oversized jersey, her eyes still full of sleep, all he managed to blurt out was a lame 'we have to talk'. However, that was enough to catch her attention; her eyes grew suddenly intent, and she stared at him for a silent moment as if gauging the real meaning behind his words.

Jane was sure she knew the moment she stepped aside and let him in. He smiled softly between himself, then turned around to shut the door.


End file.
